Tim Bruening
2005-06-03 08:27:31 UTC
Biggest Surprises in the New "Star Wars" Movie
After several years at the Intergalactic Berlitz Academy, Chewbacca
spoke 14 languages fluently. Then came his habit of chewing tobacco,
his throat cancer, the laryngectomy and the nickname.
Britney Spears and Han Solo were married for a few weeks.
Chewbacca finishes second in a holographic chess tournament, won by a
formerly two-armed contestant.
Darth Vader's power really comes from Cheez-Its and Kellogg's Corn
Fight scene involving Obi-Wan's lightsaber and Padme's distended belly
button.
Jar Jar inadvertently allows Chancellor Palpatine to create the Empire
by introducing a measure in the Galactic Senate to end the filibuster.
Samuel L. Jackson managed to keep a straight face while reciting his
lines.
Steven Tyler cameos as an undercover agent trying to keep tabs on the
Dark Side in the drag guise of Big Mama-Kin Skywalker.
Surprise cameo featuring George Lucas rolling around in a pile of
cash.
That scene where Triumph the Insult Comic Dog gets all up in Darth
Vader's grill.
To improve the acting range and add depth to the Anakin
Skywalker/Darth Vader character, Hayden Christensen shares screen time
with his "Attack of the Clones" action figure.
We learn that Yoda developed his backward speech style as a joke for
his 300th birthday and liked it so much he just kept it.
Weird alien bar scene features Michael Jackson, Anne Heche and Mike
Tyson as a 10,000 Maniacs tribute band.
Yoda has a pet wamp rat named Fluffy.
Yoda? Hermaphrodite.
"Marry Padme you did, but father her children you did not. That
shorter Jedi did, hmmm?"
After the end credits, there's a still shot of George Lucas' ass.
Tattooed upon it are the words "Kiss It Again, Fanboys."
Anakin Skywalker descends into hell, becoming gangsta rapper Darth V.
Anakin grows up to become not Darth Vader, but Captain Kirk.
Attempting to repair deeply rooted public disdain, Jar Jar Binks
appears in a scene with Jane Fonda.
Darth Vader *does* betray and murder Luke's father. And then the
bastard adopts him!
It quickly becomes obvious that Chewbacca was the man in his later
relationship with Han.
Millions of geeks stayed up late Wednesday night to feel the power of
the dork side.
Obi-Wan throws Darth Vader his cloak in exchange for a Coke.
PG-13 rating may actually be rather charitable, considering that
steamy Jabba the Hutt sex scene.
Palpatine is actually Darth Sidious? Gosh, why didn't I notice that
before?
Pregnant, schmegnant -- she's *still* hot.
The cameo by Buzz Lightyear.
The dark side of Yoda? Fozzie Bear!
The leather holster for Mace Windu's lightsaber clearly reads "Bad
Mother F*cker."
Anakin's trip to the Dark Side begins with a marathon session of
"Magic: The Gathering" in a damp basement.
George Lucas does a Hitchcock-style cameo as the Jedi Macarena
instructor.
Wookiee planet populated by thousands of Robin Williams clones.
Who's that scrunching himself up to get inside the Yoda suit? None
other than Jude Frickin' Law!
Jabba and Kirstie Alley appear on-screen together. So much for *that*
theory.
A Jedi mutters, "Why the hell is this guy still here?!?" then swiftly
lightsaber-beheads Jar Jar Binks.
In the end they eat Yoda and decide he tastes like asparagus.
The second half is nothing but Jar Jar Binks fishing with his
half-brother Ginko Biloba.
Chancellor Palpatine played by now-wrinkly Mark Hamill.
hemmorhdroids!
The mystery of Michael Jackson's origin is still unanswered.
Rumors of on-screen allusions to the Bush administration are
ridiculous. George W. Bush looks nothing like Chancellor W. Palpatine.
That "Star Wars" kid from the Internet video totally handed Skywalker
his ass.
Anakin is actually afraid of the dark and uses his lightsaber as a
night light.
Tabloid pics of Darth Vader doing laundry on Tatooine in his skivvies.
and the Number 1 Biggest Surprise in the New "Star Wars" Movie...
Anakin is a sled.
Senator Bail Organia sponsors the Empire Patriot Act.After several years at the Intergalactic Berlitz Academy, Chewbacca
spoke 14 languages fluently. Then came his habit of chewing tobacco,
his throat cancer, the laryngectomy and the nickname.
Britney Spears and Han Solo were married for a few weeks.
Chewbacca finishes second in a holographic chess tournament, won by a
formerly two-armed contestant.
Darth Vader's power really comes from Cheez-Its and Kellogg's Corn
Fight scene involving Obi-Wan's lightsaber and Padme's distended belly
button.
Jar Jar inadvertently allows Chancellor Palpatine to create the Empire
by introducing a measure in the Galactic Senate to end the filibuster.
Samuel L. Jackson managed to keep a straight face while reciting his
lines.
Steven Tyler cameos as an undercover agent trying to keep tabs on the
Dark Side in the drag guise of Big Mama-Kin Skywalker.
Surprise cameo featuring George Lucas rolling around in a pile of
cash.
That scene where Triumph the Insult Comic Dog gets all up in Darth
Vader's grill.
To improve the acting range and add depth to the Anakin
Skywalker/Darth Vader character, Hayden Christensen shares screen time
with his "Attack of the Clones" action figure.
We learn that Yoda developed his backward speech style as a joke for
his 300th birthday and liked it so much he just kept it.
Weird alien bar scene features Michael Jackson, Anne Heche and Mike
Tyson as a 10,000 Maniacs tribute band.
Yoda has a pet wamp rat named Fluffy.
Yoda? Hermaphrodite.
"Marry Padme you did, but father her children you did not. That
shorter Jedi did, hmmm?"
After the end credits, there's a still shot of George Lucas' ass.
Tattooed upon it are the words "Kiss It Again, Fanboys."
Anakin Skywalker descends into hell, becoming gangsta rapper Darth V.
Anakin grows up to become not Darth Vader, but Captain Kirk.
Attempting to repair deeply rooted public disdain, Jar Jar Binks
appears in a scene with Jane Fonda.
Darth Vader *does* betray and murder Luke's father. And then the
bastard adopts him!
It quickly becomes obvious that Chewbacca was the man in his later
relationship with Han.
Millions of geeks stayed up late Wednesday night to feel the power of
the dork side.
Obi-Wan throws Darth Vader his cloak in exchange for a Coke.
PG-13 rating may actually be rather charitable, considering that
steamy Jabba the Hutt sex scene.
Palpatine is actually Darth Sidious? Gosh, why didn't I notice that
before?
Pregnant, schmegnant -- she's *still* hot.
The cameo by Buzz Lightyear.
The dark side of Yoda? Fozzie Bear!
The leather holster for Mace Windu's lightsaber clearly reads "Bad
Mother F*cker."
Anakin's trip to the Dark Side begins with a marathon session of
"Magic: The Gathering" in a damp basement.
George Lucas does a Hitchcock-style cameo as the Jedi Macarena
instructor.
Wookiee planet populated by thousands of Robin Williams clones.
Who's that scrunching himself up to get inside the Yoda suit? None
other than Jude Frickin' Law!
Jabba and Kirstie Alley appear on-screen together. So much for *that*
theory.
A Jedi mutters, "Why the hell is this guy still here?!?" then swiftly
lightsaber-beheads Jar Jar Binks.
In the end they eat Yoda and decide he tastes like asparagus.
The second half is nothing but Jar Jar Binks fishing with his
half-brother Ginko Biloba.
Chancellor Palpatine played by now-wrinkly Mark Hamill.
hemmorhdroids!
The mystery of Michael Jackson's origin is still unanswered.
Rumors of on-screen allusions to the Bush administration are
ridiculous. George W. Bush looks nothing like Chancellor W. Palpatine.
That "Star Wars" kid from the Internet video totally handed Skywalker
his ass.
Anakin is actually afraid of the dark and uses his lightsaber as a
night light.
Tabloid pics of Darth Vader doing laundry on Tatooine in his skivvies.
and the Number 1 Biggest Surprise in the New "Star Wars" Movie...
Anakin is a sled.
Papatine tells Anakin "I am your father".
A major scandal erupts over cost overruns for the Death Star.
The Moral Majority lambastes Padme for having kids out of wedlock (since
she and Anakin were keeping their marriage a secret). (How was Padme
explaining her pregnancy?).
Amnesty Interstellar accuses Anakin of massacring native populations on
Tatooine.